Different by Design, United by God

“Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.” EPHESIANS 5:24

 
PONDER THIS

The tendency today is to stress the equality of men and women by minimizing the unique significance of maleness and femaleness. The consequence is division and destruction. Why? People are throwing away their God‑given identities. Oneness and equality are not the same. God is for oneness; God is not for sameness. God made us different that He might make us one. God “made them male and female” (Mark 10:6). And for one to recognize the headship of the other does not mean the inferiority of the one.

If you work for a boss, you’d better be submissive, or you’ll be looking for another job. That doesn’t mean you’re inferior to your boss. If you’re on a team, you have to be submissive to the coach. That doesn’t mean you’re inferior to the coach. If you’re a student, you’d better be submissive to your professor, or you’re not going to learn and get the grades. That doesn’t mean you’re inferior to your professor. If you are a citizen, you’d better be submissive to the policeman. That doesn’t mean you’re inferior to the policeman; it simply means that in all of creation and society, God has put order.

What other examples can you think of in which differences and submission do not equal inferiority?
Through His relationship with the Church, how does Jesus model the value husbands are to place on their wives?

PRACTICE THIS

Write out the examples you thought of that display differences and submission but not inferiority. How do these better help you understand what Paul meant in this text?

LWF Dr. Adrian Rogers

Honor Your Wife as God’s Gift

“Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.”

PROVERBS 31:28

 

PONDER THIS

Husbands, do you know what it means to give your wife honor? To give honor means to set something aside as having great value. Somehow, you have to get across to your wife that you value her, that she is of worth to you, that she is important to you, that she is God’s priceless gift.

One of the ways to do this is to tell her how much you value and appreciate her. Thank her and give her honor for all the ways God has blessed you through her. Let the children know that you honor her. Let your children hear you praise their mother. This is one of the finest things you can possibly do and one of the clearest ways you can be a blessing to your wife.

Who might you honor in your life­—whether your spouse or someone else?

How does speaking well of another honor both the person and the Lord?

PRACTICE THIS

Ephesians 5:33 says for husbands to love their wives and for wives to respect their husbands. Consider how you might show love or respect to your spouse today; act on this.

LWF Dr. Adrian Rogers 

God’s Word: The Manual for Marriage

“Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.” 1 PETER 3:7

 

PONDER THIS

The Bible says here, “Husbands, dwell with your wives according to understanding” or knowledge. We could translate it this way: Live together in the same house with good sense.

What does it mean to live with a car according to knowledge? You get a new automobile. What do you do? You read the manual. You see what kind of oil it takes, what kind of fuel it takes, what the air pressure in the tires needs to be. You watch the gauges, and the gauges indicate the needs of that car. If you want that car to work well, you have to understand the car. With our spouses, God’s Word is the manual. And wives (or husbands) are constantly sending signals. But many of us don’t read the manual, and we pay no attention to the signals. Many of us pay more attention to our automobiles or other possessions than we do to our spouses. This is not living together according to knowledge and understanding.

What are some things the Bible teaches about the best way to live with a spouse?

How have you seen the impact of living according to the Bible’s way in your own family situation?

PRACTICE THIS

Take time this week to encourage your spouse or to encourage another married couple you know.

LWF Dr. Adrian Rogers 

Why God Sets Boundaries

“Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.” 1 CORINTHIANS 7:1-2

 

PONDER THIS

God has set some definite boundaries for the physical act of marriage. And without these boundaries, a nation, a city, and a family cannot exist. Can you imagine what it would be like to play or watch a football game without any rules or boundaries? Imagine the fullback gets the ball, and he goes up through the stands with it. A lot of folks would get hurt.

God has given some boundaries not to harm us, but to help us and protect us. Inside these boundaries, sex is a wonderful gift of God. You’ll never improve on God’s plan. God’s plan is for a man and a woman in the bounds of holy matrimony, and only in the bounds of holy matrimony, to be one flesh. God’s plan in sex is to bring a man and a woman, in the sanctity of marital love, to a sense of oneness in which they become one flesh.

Where have you experienced the goodness of God’s boundaries in any area of life?

What about in the area of sex?

PRACTICE THIS

Make a list of boundaries God has set for His people. Write out some reasons the world might push against these, and then write the ways these are actually good boundaries set by God.

LWF Dr. Adrian Rogers 

When Your Spouse Isn’t Perfect

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” GENESIS 2:24

 
PONDER THIS

The Bible says a husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the Church. Is Jesus Christ committed to the Church? Or, when we fail, does Jesus say, “So long. I want a divorce from you. I no longer want to be your Lord, your Savior”? No! The Lord stays with us, and He has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5). Praise God for that.

You want me to tell you what a perfect husband is? A perfect husband is a man who does not demand a perfect wife. You want me to tell you what a perfect wife is? One who does not demand a perfect husband. Have you ever thought that your spouse’s failures may be God’s gift to you to help you develop character? His or her lateness may be God’s gift to help develop your patience. God knows what He’s doing. None of us is perfect. What a shame to let 90 percent of a good marriage go down the tubes because of a 10 percent problem. There needs to be a lifetime commitment. To be joined in today’s text means to be glued together, welded together. You are one flesh.

How has Christ loved you? How can this be applied to marriage?
If you are married, what are the areas in which you might have an impossibly high standard for your spouse? What needs to change?

PRACTICE THIS

If you are married, have a conversation with your spouse about the ways you might have held an unrealistic expectation and discuss changes you want to pursue moving forward in God’s grace.

LWF Dr. Adrian Rogers

A Picture of Loving Leadership

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.” EPHESIANS 5:25

 

PONDER THIS

Did you know Jesus never makes me do anything? Husbands, you are going to be in severe difficulty if you think that when the Bible says you are the head, you read that as, “I am the boss.” “I am the dictator.” No. Jesus is not the dictator of the Church; He is the head of the Church. If the Church, as His bride, refuses to follow, then she is going to reap repercussions, but He never forces us to do anything. Any husband who takes the attitude of a dictator is going to see that his home is in severe trouble. He is seeking to use the Bible as a club saying, “I am the head. Submit.” This is not the way of Jesus, and cannot be our way either.

Who do you know who you would say is a great leader?

What makes that person a leader you want to follow?

PRACTICE THIS

Consider the positions of influence and leadership you have been given. How will you move toward Christ-honoring leadership?

LWF Dr. Adrian Rogers 

Harmony Through Responsibility

“Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” EPHESIANS 5:33

 
PONDER THIS

God made husbands and wives different so that He might make them one. God gave you one nature, and God gave your wife another nature. God gave husbands masculinity and responsibility that they are to assume. In that responsibility, you may give your wife authority, but you can never get rid of your responsibility. You are to let your wife know that she is number one. You move in to protect your wife from internal traumas, so that you can present her without spot or wrinkle, to make her a more radiantly beautiful Christian. And then, husbands, once you have done that, then you move in to encourage her, nourish her, and cherish her. It is up to the husband to take the initiative. All of us must practice what God's Word says, that there might be harmony in the home.

What do you think it looks like to share authority but take responsibility as we’ve discussed today?
What responsibilities has God given you? Are there any ways you have sought to relinquish those wrongly?

PRACTICE THIS

Make a list of responsibilities you feel God has given you. If you are failing to honor God in any of these responsibilities, consider what needs to change.

LWF Dr. Adrian Rogers

Leading the Way Jesus Leads

“For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.” EPHESIANS 5:23

 

PONDER THIS

Philippians chapter 2 tells us that the Lord did not consider it a thing to be grasped to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation and took on the form of a servant in obedience (Philippians 2:5-8). And the Bible says, “therefore God has highly exalted him” (Philippians 2:9). Jesus took the low way, and God exalted Him. The devil took the high way, and God brought him down and will bring him down to the very pit. We are never more like Jesus than when we have submissive spirits. We are never more like the devil than when we have rebellious spirits. Submission is not inferiority. The Bible teaches in 1 Corinthians 11:3, “But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.” Husbands are called to be the heads of their wives and their families in the same manner that Jesus led through servanthood.

How does this idea of submission contrast with the way of the world?

What would change in your life if you sought to lead others through servanthood?

PRACTICE THIS

Take an opportunity this week to serve someone else in a specific way as a means of following Jesus.

LWF Dr. Adrian Rogers 

The Power of Encouragement

“Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land.” PROVERBS 31:23

 

PONDER THIS

The woman described in Proverbs 31 is to her husband a helpmeet—a completer, an enhancer. This verse says her husband is known in the gates. The gates were the place of commerce in this day. This was like her husband being known in city hall or in the courthouse square. Her husband is a well-known citizen, but because God is extolling the wife here and not the husband, the implication is very clear that he is what he is because she is what she is. Likewise, I know I am what I am today, not only because of God, but because of my precious wife. I know that beyond any shadow of doubt. And that's what this verse is saying. Her husband is known in the gates. She is a woman who is behind her husband, encouraging her husband at every step.

Why is it important that wives learn to encourage their husbands?

Do you know of a couple who mutually encourage and appreciate one another in a godly manner?

PRACTICE THIS

Take time this week to show your appreciation to someone who is good at encouraging others.

LWF Dr. Adrian Rogers 

A Marriage Designed by God

“And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.’”

GENESIS 2:18

 

PONDER THIS

The word “helper” here is a noun, not a verb. God was not just saying He was going to give Adam some help. God could have simply given Adam a friend to help him pick fruit. But that’s not the idea. The idea is someone who was going to cooperate with him. Someone who would become a part of a team with him. Someone who would make him more than he could have been without that person. Someone to help Adam reach his full potential. Adam could not be what he ought to be without Eve, any more than I could be what I ought to be without my wife, whom God has given to me. Joyce has been this helper to me throughout our married life and our ministry.

How have you seen the best marriages you know function in the way discussed in today’s devotional?

If you are married, how has your spouse helped you be who God made you to be?

PRACTICE THIS

If you are married, take time to encourage your spouse by pointing out the ways God has blessed you through him or her. If you are not married, take time to encourage a married couple that exhibits these godly qualities.

LWF Dr. Adrian Rogers 

How Love Changes Your Home

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.” EPHESIANS 5:25

 

PONDER THIS

The Bible says a husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the Church, and that is an unconditional love. It is not performance-based love: “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). “For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly” (Romans 5:6). When you have unconditional love as Christ has for the Church, let me tell you what it’s going to do for your home: It’s going to give security in the place of fear. It’s going to give peace in the place of guilt. And it’s going to give joy that will replace anger. This kind of love is an act of the will. How does God love us? Do you think God loves us romantically? Do you think God loves us because we’re lovely? No, God loves us as an act of His will.

Would you say you regularly love as an act of the will? Why or why not?

What makes this difficult?

PRACTICE THIS

How might you practically show love to someone as an act of will this week? Take steps to actually do this.

LWF Dr. Adrian Rogers 

What is Your Most Important Relationship?

“And He answered and said to them, ‘Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning “made them male and female,” and said, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh”?’ MATTHEW 19:4-5 

 

PONDER THIS

The highest relationship in human relationships is not parent-child. The highest relationship is husband and wife. God says we are one flesh. We leave father and mother, but we cleave unto our mate. This is God’s plan for us. 

Parents are not the supreme commitment. Now, you’re to honor your parents, and if your parents are old and feeble and in need, it’s your responsibility to take care of them. The Bible says if you don’t do it, you’re worse than a nonbeliever. But your parents are not your supreme commitment, and your children are not your supreme commitment, according to the Bible. Mate to mate is higher than parent to child or child to parent.

Based on today’s text, is there anything you need to do to re prioritize the relationships in your life?

 

What are some ways you have seen others wrongly prioritize the relationships in their lives? How does each relationship get what it needs when all are prioritized rightly?

PRACTICE THIS

If you are married, prayerfully reflect on the ways you might prioritize your relationships rightly. If you are single, take time to pray for the relationships in your church.

LWF Dr. Adrian Rogers 

Hedonism for Husbands and Wives

Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (Ephesians 5:24–25)

There is a pattern of love in marriage ordained by God.

The roles of husband and wife are not the same. The husband is to take his special cues from Christ as the head of the church. The wife is to take her special cues from God’s design for the church as submissive to Christ.

In doing this, the sinful and damaging results of the fall begin to be reversed. The fall twisted man’s loving headship into hostile domination in some men, and lazy indifference in others. The fall twisted woman’s intelligent, willing submission into manipulative obsequiousness in some women, and brazen insubordination in others.

The redemption we anticipated when the Messiah finally came in Jesus Christ was not the dismantling of the created order of loving headship and willing submission, but a recovery of it. Wives, redeem your fallen submission by modeling it after God’s intention for a joyful church! Husbands, redeem your fallen headship by modeling it after God’s intention for the lavishly loving Christ!

I find in Ephesians 5:21–33 these two things: (1) the display of Christian Hedonism in marriage and (2) the direction its impulses should take.

Wives, seek your joy in the joy of your husband by affirming and honoring his God-ordained role as “head” or leader in your relationship. Husbands, seek your joy in the joy of your wife by accepting the responsibility to lead as Christ led the church and gave himself for her.

I would like to bear witness to God’s goodness in my life. I discovered Christian Hedonism the same year I got married, in 1968. Since then, Noël and I, in obedience to Jesus Christ, have pursued as passionately as we can the deepest, most lasting joys possible. All too imperfectly, all too half-heartedly at times, we have stalked our own joy in the joy of each other.

And we can testify together after over 50 years of marriage: For those who marry, this is the path to the heart’s desire. For us, marriage has been a matrix for Christian Hedonism. As each pursues joy in the joy of the other and fulfills a God-ordained role, the mystery of marriage as a parable of Christ and the church becomes manifest for his great glory and for our great joy.

John Piper 

The Mystery of Marriage

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. (Ephesians 5:31–32)

Here in Ephesians 5:31 Paul is quoting Genesis 2:24, which Moses spoke — and Jesus said God spoke through Moses (Matthew 19:5) — “A man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Paul says this word of God, spoken before the fall into sin, is a reference to Christ and the church and contains therefore a great mystery.

What this implies is that when God engaged to create man and woman and to ordain the union of marriage, he didn’t roll the dice or draw straws or flip a coin as to how they might be related to each other. He patterned marriage very purposefully after the relationship between his Son and the church, which he had planned from all eternity.

Therefore, marriage is a mystery — it contains and conceals a meaning far greater than what we see on the outside. God created man male and female and ordained marriage so that the eternal covenant relationship between Christ and his church would be imaged forth in the marriage union.

The inference Paul draws from this mystery is that the roles of husband and wife in marriage are not arbitrarily assigned, but are rooted in the distinctive roles of Christ and his church.

Those of us who are married need to ponder again and again how mysterious and wonderful it is that God grants us in marriage the privilege to image forth stupendous divine realities infinitely bigger and greater than ourselves.

This mystery of Christ and the church is the foundation of the pattern of love that Paul describes for marriage. It is not enough to say that each spouse should pursue his or her own joy in the joy of the other. That is true. But it is not enough. It is also important to say that husbands and wives should consciously copy the relationship God intended for Christ and the church. That is, each should seek to live after the distinctive model of God’s pure and glad design for Christ and the church.

I hope you will take this seriously whether you are single or married, old or young. The revelation of the covenant-keeping Christ and his covenant-keeping church hangs on it.

John Piper 

Jesus’s Joy in Marriage

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor. (Ephesians 5:25–27)

The reason there is so much misery in marriage is not that husbands and wives seek their own pleasure, but that they do not seek it in the pleasure of their spouses. The biblical mandate to husbands and wives is to seek your own joy in the joy of your spouse.

There is scarcely a more hedonistic passage in the Bible than the one on marriage in Ephesians 5:25–30. Husbands are told to love their wives the way Christ loved the church.

How did he love the church? Verse 25 says he “gave himself up for her.” But why? Verse 26 says, “that he might sanctify” and cleanse her. But why did he want to do that? Verse 27 answers, “that he might present the church to himself in splendor!”

Ah! There it is! “For the joy that was set before him [he] endured the cross” (Hebrews 12:2). What joy? The joy of marriage to his bride, the church. The joy of presenting the church to himself in blood-bought splendor.

Jesus does not intend to have a dirty and unholy wife. Therefore, he was willing to die to sanctify and cleanse his betrothed so he could present to himself a wife “in splendor.” He gained the desire of his heart by giving himself up in suffering for the good of his bride.

Then Paul applies this to husbands in verses 28–30: “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.”

Jesus had said to husbands and wives — and everyone else — “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39). Marriage is an extraordinary place of application. It is not merely “as” you love yourself. But you are loving yourself. When you love the person with whom God has made you one flesh, you are loving yourself. That is, your greatest joy is found in seeking the greatest joy of your spouse.

John Piper 

Find Healing after Divorce

“Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.”

MATTHEW 7:24-25

 

PONDER THIS

There is a dangerous precipice called divorce. Our job as a church is to build a wall as high as we can, as thick as we can, as strong as we can, and say to our kids, “Don’t fall over that precipice. It’s dangerous. It’s destructive. Don’t do it.” But that’s not all. For those who have had that experience of divorce, we’re going to keep an ambulance ready to minister to them and show them the love and the grace of God every one of us has received.

If you’re divorced and you know it was your fault, ask God to forgive you and help you be reconciled to your partner. As much as is in your power and is appropriate, go to that person and make every wrong right, extend forgiveness, and receive the forgiveness of God. If you have been divorced against your will, ask God to take the bitterness out of your heart and forgive that person, even if he or she won’t repent. Have the same the spirit of forgiveness as Jesus when He prayed from the cross, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

Then, take the remainder of your life and give it to God. God is not finished with you. How we relate with our family, stay committed to our family, and love our family sacrificially is a beautiful testimony of Jesus. Let your home be a light where Christ shines. Don’t build on sand; build your house on the rock.

Who in your life has experienced divorce? How can you love and care for them?

How have you been hurt or wounded by a broken relationship of any type? How have you allowed Christ to heal those wounds?

PRACTICE THIS

Make a meal or show generosity to a person or family you know is hurting.

LWF Dr. Adrian Rogers 

Change Your Home Overnight

“Furthermore it has been said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.” MATTHEW 5:31-32

Ponder This

If you are married, you made a vow to your spouse. It is not only your happiness, but also his or her welfare you need to be concerned about. You made a vow to Almighty God. A vow is more than a one-time commitment. It is a promise with a commitment attached to it. You may feel tired or frustrated with the person you married but think about the commitment you made to him or her. Are you looking out for his or her welfare? Think about the commitment you made to God. Do you trust Him to heal your marriage, even when you feel done?

Marriages are not healed overnight and even if you desire to put your marriage back together, it’s not going to be a wonderful fairy tale moment. As a matter of fact, it may be tortuous. While marriages are not healed overnight, the direction of your marriage can be changed overnight. That’s the important thing—that you turn to God and begin in the right direction. It may take you a long time to get there, but at least you’re headed the right way. By a decision, a consecration, and a surrender of your will, the direction of your home can be changed—not by your own strength but by the power of our Savior.

What is the direction of your life right now? Are you going toward God or away from Him? Explain.

What are some areas of your marriage or life that need to be healed by God?

Practice This

Pray for your spouse; if you are not married, pray for a couple you know.

LWF Dr. Adrian Rogers 

Hedonism for Husbands and Wives

Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (Ephesians 5:24–25)

There is a pattern of love in marriage ordained by God.

The roles of husband and wife are not the same. The husband is to take his special cues from Christ as the head of the church. The wife is to take her special cues from God’s design for the church as submissive to Christ.

In doing this, the sinful and damaging results of the fall begin to be reversed. The fall twisted man’s loving headship into hostile domination in some men, and lazy indifference in others. The fall twisted woman’s intelligent, willing submission into manipulative obsequiousness in some women, and brazen insubordination in others.

The redemption we anticipated when the Messiah finally came in Jesus Christ was not the dismantling of the created order of loving headship and willing submission, but a recovery of it. Wives, redeem your fallen submission by modeling it after God’s intention for a joyful church! Husbands, redeem your fallen headship by modeling it after God’s intention for the lavishly loving Christ!

I find in Ephesians 5:21–33 these two things: (1) the display of Christian Hedonism in marriage and (2) the direction its impulses should take.

Wives, seek your joy in the joy of your husband by affirming and honoring his God-ordained role as “head” or leader in your relationship. Husbands, seek your joy in the joy of your wife by accepting the responsibility to lead as Christ led the church and gave himself for her.

I would like to bear witness to God’s goodness in my life. I discovered Christian Hedonism the same year I got married, in 1968. Since then, Noël and I, in obedience to Jesus Christ, have pursued as passionately as we can the deepest, most lasting joys possible. All too imperfectly, all too half-heartedly at times, we have stalked our own joy in the joy of each other.

And we can testify together after over 50 years of marriage: For those who marry, this is the path to the heart’s desire. For us, marriage has been a matrix for Christian Hedonism. As each pursues joy in the joy of the other and fulfills a God-ordained role, the mystery of marriage as a parable of Christ and the church becomes manifest for his great glory and for our great joy.

John Piper 

The Mystery of Marriage

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. (Ephesians 5:31–32)

Here in Ephesians 5:31 Paul is quoting Genesis 2:24, which Moses spoke — and Jesus said God spoke through Moses (Matthew 19:5) — “A man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Paul says this word of God, spoken before the fall into sin, is a reference to Christ and the church and contains therefore a great mystery.

What this implies is that when God engaged to create man and woman and to ordain the union of marriage, he didn’t roll the dice or draw straws or flip a coin as to how they might be related to each other. He patterned marriage very purposefully after the relationship between his Son and the church, which he had planned from all eternity.

Therefore, marriage is a mystery — it contains and conceals a meaning far greater than what we see on the outside. God created man male and female and ordained marriage so that the eternal covenant relationship between Christ and his church would be imaged forth in the marriage union.

The inference Paul draws from this mystery is that the roles of husband and wife in marriage are not arbitrarily assigned, but are rooted in the distinctive roles of Christ and his church.

Those of us who are married need to ponder again and again how mysterious and wonderful it is that God grants us in marriage the privilege to image forth stupendous divine realities infinitely bigger and greater than ourselves.

This mystery of Christ and the church is the foundation of the pattern of love that Paul describes for marriage. It is not enough to say that each spouse should pursue his or her own joy in the joy of the other. That is true. But it is not enough. It is also important to say that husbands and wives should consciously copy the relationship God intended for Christ and the church. That is, each should seek to live after the distinctive model of God’s pure and glad design for Christ and the church.

I hope you will take this seriously whether you are single or married, old or young. The revelation of the covenant-keeping Christ and his covenant-keeping church hangs on it.

John Piper 

Jesus’s Joy in Marriage

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor. (Ephesians 5:25–27)

The reason there is so much misery in marriage is not that husbands and wives seek their own pleasure, but that they do not seek it in the pleasure of their spouses. The biblical mandate to husbands and wives is to seek your own joy in the joy of your spouse.

There is scarcely a more hedonistic passage in the Bible than the one on marriage in Ephesians 5:25–30. Husbands are told to love their wives the way Christ loved the church.

How did he love the church? Verse 25 says he “gave himself up for her.” But why? Verse 26 says, “that he might sanctify” and cleanse her. But why did he want to do that? Verse 27 answers, “that he might present the church to himself in splendor!”

Ah! There it is! “For the joy that was set before him [he] endured the cross” (Hebrews 12:2). What joy? The joy of marriage to his bride, the church. The joy of presenting the church to himself in blood-bought splendor.

Jesus does not intend to have a dirty and unholy wife. Therefore, he was willing to die to sanctify and cleanse his betrothed so he could present to himself a wife “in splendor.” He gained the desire of his heart by giving himself up in suffering for the good of his bride.

Then Paul applies this to husbands in verses 28–30: “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.”

Jesus had said to husbands and wives — and everyone else — “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39). Marriage is an extraordinary place of application. It is not merely “as” you love yourself. But you are loving yourself. When you love the person with whom God has made you one flesh, you are loving yourself. That is, your greatest joy is found in seeking the greatest joy of your spouse.

John Piper