If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)
A
vague, bad feeling that you are a crummy person is not the same as
conviction for sin. Feeling rotten is not the same as repentance.
This
morning I began to pray, and felt unworthy to be talking to the Creator
of the universe. It was a vague sense of unworthiness. So I told him
so. Now what?
Nothing
changed until I began to get specific about my sins. Crummy feelings
can be useful if they lead to conviction for specific sins. But vague
feelings of being a bad person are not usually very helpful.
The
fog of unworthiness needs to take shape into clear dark pillars of
disobedience. Then you can point to them and repent and ask for
forgiveness and take aim with your gospel bazooka to blow them up.
So I began to call to mind the commands I frequently break. These are the ones that came to mind.
Love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. Not 95%, but 100%. (Matthew 22:37)
Love
your neighbor as you love yourself. Be as eager for things to go well
for him as you are for things to go well for you. (Matthew 22:39)
Do all things without grumbling. No grumbling — inside or outside. (Philippians 2:14)
Cast all your anxieties on him — so you are not being weighed down by them anymore. (1 Peter 5:7)
Only say things that give grace to others — especially those closest to you. (Ephesians 4:29)
Redeem the time. Don’t fritter away the minutes, or dawdle. (Ephesians 5:16)
So much for any pretensions to great holiness! I’m undone.
This
is much worse than vague, crummy feelings. Ah, but now the enemy is
visible. The sins are specific. They’ve come out of hiding. I look them
in the eye. I’m not whining about feeling crummy. I’m apologizing to
Christ for not doing specific things that he commanded.
I’m
broken, and I’m angry at my sin. I want to kill it, not me. I’m not
suicidal. I’m a sin-hater and a sin-murderer. (“Put to death what is
earthly in you,” Colossians 3:5; “Put to death the deeds of the body,”
Romans 8:13.) I want to live. That’s why I’m a killer — of my sin!
In
this conflict, I hear the promise, “If we confess our sins, he is
faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all
unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). Peace rises.
Now, prayer feels possible and right and powerful again.
John Piper